Attached -
Attached - The New Science of Adult Attachment 10/10 Why such a high score ? - I had never heard of attachment theory and it puts a frame around actions and ways of acting I've been experiencing in myself and others -
Idea: We are all relating to each other through our attachment style and this map of the world explains people's actions better than other current relating theories.
Tagline: Relating to Humans we are close to
Rereadability: 4/10 - Useful if I want to refresh the concepts but not necessary - This recap will do -
Useful Ideas:
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Read in November 2020
Time to read and make Synopsis - 20-30 hours
Time to read Synopsis -
General Concepts and Introduction
Attachment Styles and Everyday life
-Anxious
- Avoidant
- Anxious - Avoidant Trap
- Secure
- Attachment Styles and Sex
- Effective Communication
-Exercises
General Concepts and Introduction
Adult attachment designates three main “attachment styles,” which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.( Also it seems there is a new category Anxious Avoidant).
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving;
Anxious people crave intimacy, are preoccupied with relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back;
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
People with each of these attachment styles differ in:
1.Their view of intimacy and togetherness
2.The way they deal with conflict
2.Attitude toward sex
3.Their ability to communicate their wishes and needs their expectations from their partner and the relationship
Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into the fourth, less common category (combination anxious and avoidant). [Cole Comment - Although the Book doesn't talk about percentages more than this it is likely that these percentages are completely off and the split is more like 25% to each of the types. The book was done in a fancy university and this explains the skew, especially away from the anxious avoidant, who don't usually have the drive or ability given their disorganization to get into fancy universities.]
Although it’s not impossible for someone to change his or her attachment style— on average, one in four people do so over a four- year period— most people are unaware of the issue, so these changes happen without their ever knowing they have occurred (or why). [Cole's Comment - Critique*** For me this is likely untrue as it seems from both me and my friends that in different relationships even in a short time period there can be very contrasting attachment styles. The change in style seems to be significantly dependent on the relationship as well.]
We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die. Bowlby proposed that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage. In prehistoric times, people who relied only on themselves and had no one to protect them were more likely to end up as prey.
An important part of evolution is heterogeneity. Humans are very heterogeneous. This accounts for our abundance and ability to fit into any ecological niche on earth. If we were identical, then any environmental challenge would have the potential to wipe us all out. Our variability improves the chances that a segment of the population that is unique in some way may survive when others wouldn’t. Attachment style is no different from any other human characteristic. Although we all have a basic need to form close bonds, the way we create them varies. In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make more sense to get less attached and move on (and hence, the avoidant attachment style). Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure so trying to ensure they don't die (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).
For an Anxiously attached person, if our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. If Karen and Tim understood this, she would not feel ashamed of needing to hold his hand during the stress of a nationally televised race. For his part, Tim would have known that the simple gesture of holding Karen’s hand could give them the extra edge they needed to win. Indeed, if he knew that by responding to her need early on, he would have had to devote less time to “putting out fires” caused by her compounded distress later— he might have been inclined to hold her hand when he noticed that she was starting to get anxious, instead of waiting until she demanded it.
Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another.
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We live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exalting independence. We tend to accept this attitude as truth— to our detriment.
Society tells us that: "Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. Your well- being is not their responsibility, and theirs is not yours. Each person needs to look after himself or herself. In addition, you should learn not to allow your inner peace to be disturbed by the person you are closest to. If your partner acts in a way that undermines your sense of security, you should be able to distance yourself from the situation emotionally, “keep the focus on yourself,” and stay on an even keel. If you can’t do that, there might be something wrong with you. You might be too enmeshed with the other person, or “codependent,” and you must learn to set better “boundaries.” [Cole's Comment: On the following point I disagree - The person's individual perceptions and feelings are still pertaining to the person who experiences them and who feels them. The partner is however participating in creating an environment that fosters certain sensations and feelings and discourages others. If we feel unwanted emotions a lot we should ask ourselves, is the context around my relationship contributing to this since our partners do foster the environment both through their words and actions and the way they frame things into how we feel to a certain extent. Our partners do not make us feel anything but they make it more probable that we will feel xyz by fostering and creating an environment.]
The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between two self- sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. If you develop a strong dependency on your partner, you are deficient in some way and are advised to work on yourself to become more “differentiated” and develop a “greater sense of self.” The worst possible scenario is that you will end up needing your partner, which is equated with “addiction” to him or her, and addiction, we all know, is a dangerous prospect. While the teachings of the codependency movement remain immensely helpful in dealing with family members who suffer from substance abuse (as was the initial intention), they can be misleading and even damaging when applied indiscriminately to all relationships. Karen, whom we met earlier in the televised race, has been influenced by these schools of thought. But biology tells a very different story.
Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.
And when the hand that the women held was their husband’s? The dip was much more dramatic— their stress was barely detectable. Furthermore, the women who benefited most from spousal hand- holding were those who reported the highest marital satisfaction— but we’ll get back to this point later.
Once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit. If she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well- being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.
Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on— this is the “dependency paradox.” The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory. To illustrate this principle, let’s take another look at childhood, where attachment starts. While adult and childhood attachment styles are not one and the same, nothing better demonstrates the idea we’re conveying than what is known in the field as the strange situation test.
Sarah and her twelve- month- old daughter, Kimmy, enter a room full of toys. A friendly young research assistant is waiting in the room and exchanges a few words with them. Kimmy starts to explore this newfound toy heaven— she crawls around, picks up toys, throws them to the ground, and checks whether they rattle, roll, or light up, while glancing at her mom from time to time. Then Kimmy’s mother is instructed to leave the room; she gets up and quietly walks out. The minute Kimmy realizes what has happened she becomes distraught. She crawls over to the door as quickly as she can, sobbing. She calls out to her mother and bangs on the door. The research assistant tries to interest Kimmy in a box full of colorful building blocks, but this only makes Kimmy more agitated and she throws one of the blocks in the research assistant’s face. When her mother returns to the room after a short while, Kimmy rushes toward her on all fours and raises her arms to be held. The two embrace and Sarah calmly reassures her daughter. Kimmy hugs her mom tight and stops sobbing. Once she is at ease again, Kimmy’s interest in the toys reawakens and she resumes her play.
The experiment Sarah and Kimmy participated in is probably the most important study in the field of attachment theory— referred to as the strange situation test (the version described here is an abbreviated version of the test). Mary Ainsworth was fascinated by the way in which children’s exploratory drive— their ability to play and learn— could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure. She found that having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.
If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.
Recap around this from the book : - Attachment styles were first defined by researchers observing the way babies (usually 9 to 18 months old) behaved during the strange situation test (a reunion with a parent after a stressful separation, described here). Here’s a short description of how attachment styles are defined in children. Some of their responses can also be detected in adults who share the same attachment style. Anxious: This baby becomes extremely distressed when mommy leaves the room. When her mother returns, she reacts ambivalently— she is happy to see her but angry at the same time. She takes longer to calm down, and even when she does, it is only temporary. A few seconds later, she’ll angrily push mommy away, wriggle down, and burst into tears again. Secure: The secure baby is visibly distressed when mommy leaves the room. When mother returns, he is very happy and eager to greet her. Once in the safety of her presence, he is quick to be reassured, calm down, and resume play activity. Avoidant: When mommy leaves the room, this baby acts as though nothing has happened. Upon her return, she remains unmoved, ignores her mom, and continues to play indifferently. But this façade doesn’t tell the whole story. In fact, inside, baby is neither calm nor collected. Researchers have found that these babies’ heart rates are actually just as elevated as other babies who express immense distress, and their cortisol levels— a stress hormone— are high.
Just as Karen needed Tim’s hand for encouragement and Tim gathered strength from Karen’s reassurance, Kimmy wanted her mother’s presence. Karen engaged in protest behavior (not agreeing to continue until he held her hand), just as Kimmy had done when she called out for her absent mother. Both needed the reassurance of their attachment figures before they could focus on other tasks. Only once their secure base was restored could they go back to other activities.
When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well- being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.
It seems, then, that our partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. There is no way around that. Not only do they influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.
Establish an Attachment Designated Person - ADP to help you understand which attachment styles you and others are using -
The Three Attachment Styles in Everyday Life
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from “Does he or she like me?” to “Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?” Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?” Using this chapter as a guide, with time and practice you will develop and fine- tune your ability to determine someone’s attachment style early on. Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction.
People who are anxious often feel that there is something wrong with them; secures will have a more realistic view of things, and avoidants often sound like Paul— they attribute their single status to external circumstances, such as not having met the right girl. This is a good opportunity to look beyond what is said to what is not said: If you don’t get a clear understanding of why this person hasn’t met “the one” even though he’s dated a great number of women, you should try to read between the lines. There are also hints in the way Paul describes his relationship with Amanda— he was very excited about her, but after they got close, he started noticing little things about her that turned him off. Devaluing your partner when things become too close is very typical of people with an avoidant attachment style and is used as a way to create emotional distance.
Anxious
They found that people with an anxious attachment style were more likely to perceive the offset of emotion earlier than other people. People with an anxious attachment style are more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues, but tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state.
Dear Anxious person: if you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.
Activating Strategies: 
Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek Closeness with Your Partner:
Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
Remembering only their good qualities.
Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people— what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?” “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner— for someone else.” “He can change.” “All couples have problems— we’re not special in that regard.”
You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever- so- short bursts of joy with love. What you’re doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion. If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get attracted to individuals who are least likely to make you happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love. As we’ve seen, one of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s most important insights is that in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure base from which to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure. Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive— only to feel elated every once in a while— tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.
For Anxious partners the trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.
A good question to ask -- ?Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?
When you’re seeing several people— which has become very feasible in the Internet and Facebook age— it also becomes easier to make your needs and wishes clear; you’re not afraid that by doing so you’ll chase away a rare prospect; you don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings. This allows you to see whether someone is able to meet your needs before you reach the point of no return.
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These studies also tell us that avoidants such as Susan aren’t such free spirits after all; it is the defensive stance that they adopt that makes them seem that way. In Susan’s account, notice how she makes a point of putting down those who depend on their significant others. Other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.
Avoidant -
SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT
Sends mixed messages— about his/ her feelings toward you or about his/ her commitment to you.
Longs for an ideal relationship— but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you.
Desperately wants to meet “the one”— but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible.
Disregards your emotional well- being— and when confronted, continues to disregard it.
Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”— thus invalidating your feelings and making you second- guess yourself.
Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or her— doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead. Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”— responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account.
Your messages don’t get across— despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, he or she doesn’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.
Note that it is not specific behaviors that threaten to become smoking guns but rather an emotional stance— an ambiguity about the relationship that goes hand in hand with a strong message that your emotional needs are not so important to him or her. He or she may say the right things at times, but his/ her actions tell a different story.
All of these people have one thing in common: an avoidant attachment style. They feel a deep- rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship. Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique— for avoidant people such a stance is a major life challenge. If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else— the emotional equivalent of finding a home— is a condition that you find difficult to accept.
Some Common Deactivating Strategies 
Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”— but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
Pining after an ex- girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
Flirting with others— a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship. [Maybe we as Humans are not programmed for Monogamy and this one may not be relevant].
Not saying “I love you”— while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married. “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy— to maintain your feeling of independence.
Avoiding physical closeness— e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
Having an avoidant attachment style you are not strong at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover’s mental state. The problem is that, along with your self- reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the person closest to you is feeling. You figure that this is not your task; that they need to take care of their own emotional well- being. This lack of understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving enough emotional support. It also leads to less connectedness, warmth, and satisfaction in the relationship.
Avoidants are less accurate than anxious individuals at perceiving their partners’ thoughts and feelings during the experiment. It was common for avoidants to interpret their partner’s reaction as indifferent if they rated someone as highly attractive, when, in fact, their partner had been quite upset by it.
From someone who was busy looking out for his own needs and responding defensively to his partner’s requests and dissatisfactions, he managed to shift to a more secure mind- set. This is not an easy task if you have an avoidant attachment style, but it is possible if you allow yourself to open up enough to truly see your partner.
As you read this chapter, it becomes apparent that being avoidant isn’t really about living a self- sufficient life; it’s about a life of struggle involving the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system using the (also powerful) deactivating strategies we’ve outlined. Because of their power it’s easy to conclude that these behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs are impossible to uproot and change. But, strictly speaking, this is not the case. What is true is that people with an avoidant attachment style overwhelmingly assume that the reason they’re unable to find happiness in a relationship has little to do with themselves and a lot to do with external circumstances— meeting the wrong people, not finding “the one,” or only hooking up with prospects who want to tie them down. They rarely search inside themselves for the reason for their dissatisfaction, and even more rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests they do so. Unfortunately, until they look inward or seek counseling, change is not likely to occur.
COACHING SESSION: EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN START DOING TODAY TO STOP PUSHING LOVE AWAY
1. Learn to identify deactivating strategies.
2. Don’t act on your impulse. When you’re excited about someone but then suddenly have a gut feeling that s/ he is not right for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back?
3. Remind yourself that this picture is skewed and that you need intimacy despite your discomfort with it. If you thought s/ he was great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing him or her away.
4. De- emphasize self- reliance and focus on mutual support. When your partner feels s/ he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy. (See more on the “dependency paradox” in chapter 2).
5. Find a secure partner. As you will see in chapter 7, people with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well. Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate your avoidance— often in a perpetual vicious cycle. Given a chance, we recommend you choose the secure route. You’ll experience less defensiveness, less fighting, and less anguish.
6. Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. Change this pattern! Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, and look for a more plausible perspective.
7. Remind yourself that this is your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.
8. Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. This may not be an easy task, but with practice and perseverance, you’ll gradually get the hang of it. Take time every evening to think back on the events of the day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well- being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
9. Nix the phantom ex. When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex- partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she is not (and never was) a viable option. By remembering how critical you were of that relationship— and how leery you were of committing— you can stop using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on someone new.
10. Forget about “the one.” We don’t dispute the presence of soul mates in our world. On the contrary, we wholeheartedly believe in the soul mate experience. But it is our belief that you have to be an active party in the process. Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place. Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close (using the strategies we offer in this chapter) and making them a special part of you.
11. Adopt the distraction strategy. As an avoidant, it’s easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction (remember the experiment with a distraction task). Focusing on other things— taking a hike, going sailing, or preparing a meal together— will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings. Use this little trick to promote closeness in your time together.
Anxious - Avoidant Trap
TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE ANXIOUS- AVOIDANT TRAP
The roller- coaster effect. In the relationship you never sail along on an even keel. Instead, every once in a while, when the avoidant partner makes him/ herself available to the anxious partner, the latter’s attachment system is temporarily quieted and you achieve extreme closeness— leading to the feeling of a “high.” This closeness, however, is perceived as a threat by the avoidant partner and is quickly followed by withdrawal on his or her part— only to create renewed dissatisfaction for the anxious partner. The emotional counterbalancing act.
If you’re avoidant, you often inflate your self- esteem and sense of independence in comparison to someone else.
If you’re anxious, you are programmed to feel “less than” when your attachment system gets activated. Frequently avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as they do.
Stable instability. The relationship may last for a long time, but an element of uncertainty persists. As illustrated here, you may remain together but with a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, never finding the degree of intimacy that you are both comfortable with.
Are we really fighting about this? You may feel that you’re constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be fighting about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these minor problems but about something else altogether— the amount of intimacy between you. Life in the inner circle as the enemy. If you are anxious, you find that you’re getting treated worse instead of better once you become the person closest to the avoidant partner. You develop the eerie sense that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally connected to the other person to leave.
Secure
Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. Studies demonstrate that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships than people with other attachment styles.
Example of how a Secure personality can diffuse situations:
Overwhelmed by the amount of work she’d left unfinished before the weekend, Janet woke up Monday morning in a state of dread. She was convinced that there was no way she’d ever get through the enormous pile on her desk, and her situation made her feel incompetent. She turned to her husband, Stan, who was lying in bed besides her and— out of nowhere— told him how disappointed she was with his business’s progress and how worried she was that he wasn’t going to make it. Stan was taken aback, but responded to Janet’s attack without any visible trace of animosity. “I understand that you’re frightened and there might be some comfort for you if I feel frightened too, but if you’re trying to encourage me to be more efficient at work— which you often do— this isn’t the best way to do it.” Janet was dumbfounded. She knew he was right— that she’d been expressing only her own concerns. Seeing that she was tearful, Stan offered to drive her to work. In the car, she apologized. She hadn’t meant the stuff she’d said, but she was in such an emotional funk that everything seemed dreary to her. It was then that she realized what a wonderfully supportive husband Stan was. If he had attacked her out of the blue, she’d have struck back and World War III would have broken out. She wouldn’t have stayed collected enough to see what was really going on, to understand that it wasn’t about her but about him. Stan’s ability to handle the situation in the way he did required a real emotional gift. “I have to remember how good it feels to be on the receiving end of that and offer some in return someday,” she thought to herself.
People with a secure attachment style, like Stan, are characterized by something very real but not outwardly visible— they are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partners’ love. They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and respond to their partners’ needs.
Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style Partners:
Great conflict busters— During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
Mentally flexible— They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.
Effective communicators— They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
Not game players— They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games?
Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries— They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
Quick to forgive— They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one— They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both).
Treat their partners like royalty— When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
Secure in their power to improve the relationship— They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical. Responsible for their partners’ well- being— They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.
With a secure there’s a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively, empathically and coherently discuss their emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. We often fail to realize what a bonus these attributes are unless they’re missing. It’s no coincidence that the people most appreciative of a secure relationship are those who’ve had relationships with both secure and insecure partners. Though these people will tell you that secure and insecure relationships are worlds apart, without the knowledge of attachment theory, they too are unable to put their finger on what exactly that difference is.
On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style. [Cole - Again Here I feel things are very very different - Likely we change our attachment styles often and only sediment into one style with a particular partner - ]
Tapping Into the Secure Mind- set--
Creating a Secure Base for Your Partner  As you recall, one of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence. Brooke Feeney and Roxanne Thrush, of Carnegie Mellon University, in a study published in 2010, found that three specific behaviors underlie this broad term. You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors:
Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.
Don’t interfere: Provide behind- the- scenes support for their endeavors.
Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities.
Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals.
Boost their self- esteem.
“I’ve slept with eleven guys in my life and they’ve all wanted to have a serious relationship with me. I guess it’s something I convey. I know that I get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to know, not just in bed, that if they stick around, there’s a treasure to be revealed. “The guys I show interest in don’t play games— that is very important to me. They call immediately the next day, or at the very latest the next evening. In return, right from the start I show them that I’m interested. There were only two men in my life that waited two days to call, and I screened them both out immediately.”
Finding the Right Partner— the Secure Way 
The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure attachment style. They include:
Spotting “smoking guns” very early on and treating them as deal breakers.
Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy.
Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.
Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.
One of the things that Mary Ainsworth observed in the mother- infant relationship was that secure mothers were a special breed. It’s not that they tended more to their children, or held them more than mothers of anxious or avoidant children, but they seemed to possess a kind of “sixth sense” and intuitively knew when the child wanted to be held. They sensed their child’s emerging distress and acted on it before it turned into a full- blown fit. And if the child did get distressed, they just seemed to know how to soothe her.
Your Relationship with Your Pet as a Secure Role Model?  Suzanne Phillips, coauthor of the book Healing Together, describes our connection with our pets as a source of inspiration for our romantic relationships. In her writing, she points out that we tend to perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many misdemeanors: They wake us up at night, destroy our valuables, and demand our undivided attention, yet we tend to overlook these behaviors and feel positively toward them. In fact, our connection with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives. We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure resource within us— we don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office), and we stick by them no matter what.
Attachment Styles and Sex
People with an anxious attachment style prefer strong emotional involvement during sex and enjoy the intimate aspects of lovemaking like kissing and caressing, avoidants have very different preferences. They might choose to focus only on the sexual act itself, forgoing holding and cuddling, or to put rules into place like “no kissing” in order to make sex feel less intimate. Others might have sex only rarely— or never— with their partner, or fantasize about others while doing so. (Long- term couples may use fantasy to spice up their sex life, but they do so as a way to get closer. With avoidants, fantasy is not part of a mutual adventure but rather a deactivating strategy to keep them isolated.) In fact, in a study of married and cohabiting couples, Canadian scientists Audrey Brassard and Yvan Lussier, along with Phillip Shaver, found that avoidant men and women had sex less with their partners than did people with other attachment styles.
Attachment Styles and Break up
Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.
For humans, the situation is very similar. When we break up with someone, our attachment system goes into overdrive, and just like the rat pups, we can think of nothing but getting back together with our loved one. The fact that one person can take away all our discomfort in a split second makes it very hard to resist the temptation to see him or her again. Just being in the same room is enough to entirely relieve the anxiety in a way that no other single friend or family member can. For this simple reason, many individuals find it hard to follow through on their wish to break up, even after they’ve tried more than once to do it. It also explains why Marsha chose to maintain some contact with Craig, long after they separated. Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.
The process she as an Anxious person went through was the same one that avoidant people engage in all the time: In order to avoid becoming too close, they focus on their partner’s negative qualities and behaviors to keep their partner at bay.
Effective Communication
JUDGING THE RESPONSE
With effective communication, you might not be able to solve a problem or resolve your differences in one shot.
But you can judge immediately how important your well- being is to your partner:
Does s/ he try to get to the bottom of your concerns?
Does s/ he respond to the issue at hand or does s/ he try to dodge you?
Does s/ he take your concerns seriously or does s/ he try to belittle you or make you feel foolish for raising them?
Does s/ he try to find ways to make you feel better or is s/ he only busy acting defensive?
Is s/ he replying to your concerns only factually (as in a court of law) or is s/ he also in tune with your emotional well- being?
If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, you have a green light to go ahead with the relationship. If, however, your partner tries to evade important topics, acts defensively, or makes you feel foolish or needy, you should heed it as a serious warning sign.
If you are avoidant— the surefire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. Use effective communication to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to him or her. Suggest a few alternatives, making sure that the other person’s needs are taken care of. By doing so, you’re more likely to get the breathing space you need.
5 Principles of Effective Communication -
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave!
2. Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well- being into consideration as well. If they end up hurting him or her, you’re sure to get hurt too; after all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner’s shortcomings: “I need to feel confident in the relationship. When you chat up the waitress, I feel like I’m on thin ice.” “I feel devalued when you contradict me in front of your friends. I need to feel that you respect my opinions.” “I want to know I can trust you. When you go to bars with your friends, I worry a lot that you’ll cheat on me.”
3. Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower his or her chances of getting it right. State precisely what is bothering you: When you don’t stay the night . . . When you don’t check up on me every day . . . When you said you loved me and then took it back . . .
4. Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not about highlighting the other person’s shortcomings, and making accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a dueling match. Make sure to find a time when you’re calm to discuss things. You’ll find that attempting to use effective communication when you’re on the verge of exploding is a contradiction in terms— you’ll most likely sound angry or judgmental.
5. Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid— period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important.
COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY 101 Getting Started When you are not used to effective communication, it can be extremely helpful to formulate a script of the message you want to convey. It’s best not to attempt this when you are upset, and it’s also important to ignore the advice of friends who suggest indirect methods of trying to get your needs met, such as making your partner jealous. If possible, ask your attachment-designated person—ADP —or friend who has a secure attachment style or who is familiar with the principles of effective communication to help you compose the right words. When you are sure of the content, recite it to yourself until you feel comfortable with the way it sounds. Having everything written down can help you get over fears about getting cold feet or forgetting your “lines,” and make it easier for you to address your partner with confidence. Once you get the hang of it and experience the positive effect it has on your life, using effective communication will become second nature. Exercise: Answer the Following Questions to Determine the Topic of Your Script Why do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way? (The relationship inventory in chapter 9 can help you with the process.) What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure and loved? Which of the above actions do I feel most comfortable bringing up and discussing? Use your response to this last question to guide you toward the topic of your first effective communication. Now create a short script that focuses on that issue, while adhering to the five principles of effective communication. My Script: Review the examples that follow. Notice how ineffective communication can be interpreted in different ways while effective communication has only one specific meaning. That’s why your partner’s response to effective communication is much more telling than his or her response to ineffective communication or protest behavior.
Situation S Ineffective communication (Protest behavior) -I Effective communication - E
S-He’s very busy at work and you hardly get to see him.
I-Call him every couple of hours to make sure you’re on his mind.
E- Tell him you miss him and are having a hard time adjusting to his new work schedule, even though you understand that it’s temporary.
S- She doesn’t really listen to you when you’re talking, which makes you feel unimportant and misunderstood.
I- Get up in the middle of the conversation and go to another room (hoping she’ll follow you and apologize).
E - Make it clear that it’s not enough that she listens without responding. Emphasize that you value her opinion above anyone’s and it’s important to you to know what she thinks.
S- He talks about his ex-girlfriend, which makes you feel insecure.
I- Tell him it’s pathetic that he’s still talking about his ex. or Bring up other guys you went out with to let him know how bad it feels.
E - Let him know that conversations about his ex-girlfriend make you feel inadequate and unsure of where you stand, that you need to feel secure in order to be happy with someone.
S- He always calls at the last minute to make plans.
I- Tell him you’re busy whenever he does that so that eventually he’ll learn to call well in advance.
E- Explain that you feel unsettled not knowing when and if you’ll see him and that it’s better for you to at least have a ballpark schedule of when you’ll get together ahead of time.
S- She screens your calls a lot and gets back to you in her own good time.
I- Grin and bear it.
E- Convey how important it is to you to return her calls promptly and how good it would feel if she was to do the same.
S- He hasn’t called for a few days.
I -You’re worried that he wants to end the relationship. When he finally calls, tell him you’re busy. That’ll show him.
E - Inform him that it is hurtful when he disappears and that one of the things that you need most in a relationship is for your boyfriend to make you a priority whenever possible.
It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.
If you’ve ever found yourself caught off guard during a disagreement by the other person’s genuine interest in your concerns and willingness to consider them, you were probably disagreeing with someone secure.
Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
1.Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3.Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4.Be willing to engage.
5.Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
A single fight is not a relationship breaker. Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you, say so. Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is most likely not because of you. Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs. Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know! Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means. When in doubt, ask. A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity. Though you may have to talk yourself into believing the “positive truths” above (even if only halfheartedly at first), it is well worth the effort. In most cases, they will steer the dialogue in the right direction. In sum, these are the habits you should keep away from during fights:
Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
1.Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs.
2. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
3. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity.
4. Withdrawing.
5. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.
For us, the most important take-home message from this book is that relationships should not be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. In fact, one study found that 73 percent of over three hundred university student participants were willing to sacrifice the majority of their goals in life for a romantic relationship. But despite the importance we assign to our most intimate bonds, most of us still know very little about the science behind romantic relationships and allow ourselves all too often to be guided by misconceptions and myths.
The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. We’ve been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, he or she will be transformed into a different person (this part is not!). Regardless of what they were like before, when people find “the one,” they supposedly become adoring, faithful, supportive partners—free of qualms about the relationship. It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction. The second common misconception we fell victim to is that marriage is the be-all and end-all. Romantic stories tend to end there, and we are all tempted to believe that when someone gets married, it’s unequivocal proof of the power of love to transform; that the decision to marry means they’re now ready for true closeness and emotional partnership. We don’t like to admit that people might enter marriage without having these goals in mind, let alone the ability to achieve them. We want to believe, as we had hoped for in the movie, that once married, anyone can change and treat his/her spouse like royalty (especially if two people are deeply in love with each other). In this book, however, we’ve shown how mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage, even for people who love each other greatly.
The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility. When potential partners “Mirandize” us and “read us our rights” (see chapter 11) early in a relationship by telling us that they aren’t ready to commit, thereby renouncing responsibility for our well-being, or when they make unilateral decisions in a long-standing relationship without taking our needs into account, we’re quick to accept these terms. This logic has become very natural to people, and our friends might say, “They told you in advance they didn’t want to commit,” or “They always said how strongly they feel about this issue, so you have no one but yourself to blame.” But when we’re in love and want to continue a relationship, we tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting. Instead of recognizing that someone who blatantly disregards our emotions is not going to be a good partner, we accept this attitude. Again, we must constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.
What we learned from watching the film is just how hard it is to let go of concepts we’ve believed in our entire lives—no matter how unhelpful they’ve been. But jettisoning these ideas is a necessary step; holding on to them can be highly destructive. They encourage us to compromise our self-esteem and happiness by ignoring our most basic needs and trying to be someone we’re not. We believe that every person deserves to experience the benefits of a secure bond. When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. He or she is there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them. Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call! And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.
For Cole Personal Questionaire about Relationship style:
Initial Test in Dec 2019 - Avoidant - Didn't keep track of score
Repeat Test in November 2020 - Secure - Anxiety 2.33 Avoidance 2.44
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Determining your Partner's Attachment Style
Page 51 on Kindle (location 657)
Up to Three points for each question:
+1 Very untrue of him/her
+2 Moderately True of him/her
+3 Very true of him/her
A - Avoidant
B- Secure
C- Anxious
Relationship Inventory -
Taking the inventory is a task that should be done alone. Make sure to set aside enough quiet time to work on it thoroughly, so you really get a complete and accurate picture of yourself from an attachment perspective. Start by listing, in the left-hand column (1), the names of all your romantic partners, past and present. These can include people you’ve dated briefly. We suggest working vertically, one column at a time. Completing the inventory vertically encourages you to focus less on each particular scenario and to achieve an integrated picture of your working model across relationships. The more information you gather, the better. In column 2, write what you remember about the relationship: what it was like and what things stand out most when you try to recall your time together. Once you write down your general recollections of the relationship, column 3 allows you to take a closer look and identify specific scenarios that contribute to activation/deactivation of your attachment system. Column 4 asks how you responded to these situations: What did you do? What were you thinking? How did you feel? The lists below the inventory are provided to help you recall these reactions. Column 5 is a crucial next step. You will need to reassess these experiences from an attachment perspective to gain insight into the issues that affected your relationships. What attachment issues underlie your reactions: Protest behavior? Deactivation? Refer to the lists as a guide. In column 6, you’re asked to consider ways in which your reaction—now translated into attachment principles—hurts you and gets in the way of your happiness. Finally, column 7 prompts you to consider new, secure ways of handling these situations using a security-enhancing role model in your life and the secure principles we outline in this book (and in the box here).
RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY
Common Anxious Thoughts, Emotions, and Reactions
Thoughts:
Mind reading: That’s it, I know s/he’s leaving me.
I’ll never find anyone else.
I knew this was too good to last.
All-or-nothing thinking: I’ve ruined everything, there’s nothing I can do to mend the situation.
S/he can’t treat me this way! I’ll show him/her!
I knew something would go wrong; nothing ever works out right for me.
I have to talk to or see him/her right now.
S/he’d better come crawling back to beg my forgiveness, otherwise s/he can forget about me forever.
Maybe if I look drop-dead gorgeous or act seductive, things will work out.
S/he is so amazing, why would s/he want to be with me anyway?
Remembering all the good things your partner ever did and said after calming down from a fight.
Recalling only the bad things your partner has ever done when you’re fighting.
Emotions
Sad • Resentful • Angry • Frustrated • Fearful • Depressed • Hopeless • Humiliated • Despairing • Hate-filled • Jealous • Uncertain • Hostile • Agitated • Vengeful • Rejected • Guilty • Unloved • Self-loathing • Lonely • Restless • Misunderstood • Uneasy • Unappreciated
Actions
Act out.
Attempt to reestablish contact at any cost.
Pick a fight.
Wait for them to make the first reconciliation move.
Threaten to leave.
Act hostile—roll your eyes, look disdainful.
Try to make him/her feel jealous.
Act busy or unapproachable.
Withdraw—stop talking to your partner or turn away from him/her physically.
Act manipulatively.
Common Avoidant Thoughts, Emotions, and Reactions
Thoughts All-or-nothing thinking:
I knew s/he wasn’t right for me, this proves it!
Overgeneralizing: I knew I wasn’t made to be in a close relationship.
S/he’s taking over my life, I can’t take it!
Now I have to do everything his/her way; the price is too high.
I need to get out of here, I feel suffocated.
If s/he was “the one” this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.
When I was with (phantom X) this wouldn’t have happened.
Malicious intent: S/he’s really out to annoy me, it’s so obvious. . . .
S/he just wants to tie me down, this isn’t true love.
Fantasize about having sex with other people.
I’ll be better off on my own.
Ugh, s/he’s so needy! It’s pathetic.
Emotions • Withdrawn • Misunderstood • Frustrated • Resentful • Angry • Hostile • Pressured • Aloof • Unappreciated • Empty • Deceived • Despairing • Tense • Scornful • Hate-filled • Restless • Self-righteous • Distrustful • Contemptuous
Actions
Act out.
Get up and leave.
Belittle your partner.
Act hostile, look disdainful.
Make critical remarks.
Withdraw mentally or physically.
Minimize physical contact.
Keep emotional sharing to a minimum.
Stop listening to your partner. Ignore him/her.
Possible Attachment Principles at Play
Anxious
Protest behavior
Activating strategies—any thought, feeling, or behavior that will result in an increased desire to reconnect
Putting your partner on a pedestal
Feeling small and inferior in comparison to your partner
Seeing/remembering only the best in your partner after a fight (while forgetting his/her negative side)
Mistaking an activated attachment system for love
Living in the danger zone (see chart here)
Living on an emotional roller coaster—getting addicted to the highs and the lows
Avoidant Deactivating strategies
Mistaking self-reliance for independence
Inflating your own importance and self-esteem while putting your partner down
Seeing only the negative in your partner and ignoring the positive
Assuming malicious intent in your partner’s actions
Disregarding your partner’s emotional cues
Yearning for the phantom ex
Fantasizing about “the one”
Repressing loving feelings and emotions
Examples of Secure Principles
Be available.
Don’t interfere.
Act encouragingly.
Communicate effectively.
Don’t play games.
View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being.
Wear your heart on your sleeve—be courageous and honest in your interactions.
Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
Don’t make generalizations during conflict.
Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.
Relationship Inventory -
1. Name of Partner
2. What is/was the relationship like
3. Situation that triggered activation or deactivation of attachment system
4. My reaction (thoughts, feelings, actions)
5. Insecure attachment working models and principles
6. How I lose out by succumbing to these working models/principles
7. Identify a secure role model who is relevant to this situation and secure principles to adopt. How is s/he relevant ?
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1x7ZGmwu9NK7xQLQQRQ_zgMNRMDERZ5YmubR7p34y6Aw/edit?usp=sharing
To do -
Add Picture Diagrams
Do the Relationship inventory
Add Useful ideas at the beginning -
Idea: We are all relating to each other through our attachment style and this map of the world explains people's actions better than other current relating theories.
Tagline: Relating to Humans we are close to
Rereadability: 4/10 - Useful if I want to refresh the concepts but not necessary - This recap will do -
Useful Ideas:
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Read in November 2020
Time to read and make Synopsis - 20-30 hours
Time to read Synopsis -
General Concepts and Introduction
Attachment Styles and Everyday life
-Anxious
- Avoidant
- Anxious - Avoidant Trap
- Secure
- Attachment Styles and Sex
- Effective Communication
-Exercises
General Concepts and Introduction
Adult attachment designates three main “attachment styles,” which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.( Also it seems there is a new category Anxious Avoidant).
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving;
Anxious people crave intimacy, are preoccupied with relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back;
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
People with each of these attachment styles differ in:
1.Their view of intimacy and togetherness
2.The way they deal with conflict
2.Attitude toward sex
3.Their ability to communicate their wishes and needs their expectations from their partner and the relationship
Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into the fourth, less common category (combination anxious and avoidant). [Cole Comment - Although the Book doesn't talk about percentages more than this it is likely that these percentages are completely off and the split is more like 25% to each of the types. The book was done in a fancy university and this explains the skew, especially away from the anxious avoidant, who don't usually have the drive or ability given their disorganization to get into fancy universities.]
Although it’s not impossible for someone to change his or her attachment style— on average, one in four people do so over a four- year period— most people are unaware of the issue, so these changes happen without their ever knowing they have occurred (or why). [Cole's Comment - Critique*** For me this is likely untrue as it seems from both me and my friends that in different relationships even in a short time period there can be very contrasting attachment styles. The change in style seems to be significantly dependent on the relationship as well.]
We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die. Bowlby proposed that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage. In prehistoric times, people who relied only on themselves and had no one to protect them were more likely to end up as prey.
An important part of evolution is heterogeneity. Humans are very heterogeneous. This accounts for our abundance and ability to fit into any ecological niche on earth. If we were identical, then any environmental challenge would have the potential to wipe us all out. Our variability improves the chances that a segment of the population that is unique in some way may survive when others wouldn’t. Attachment style is no different from any other human characteristic. Although we all have a basic need to form close bonds, the way we create them varies. In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make more sense to get less attached and move on (and hence, the avoidant attachment style). Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure so trying to ensure they don't die (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).
For an Anxiously attached person, if our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. If Karen and Tim understood this, she would not feel ashamed of needing to hold his hand during the stress of a nationally televised race. For his part, Tim would have known that the simple gesture of holding Karen’s hand could give them the extra edge they needed to win. Indeed, if he knew that by responding to her need early on, he would have had to devote less time to “putting out fires” caused by her compounded distress later— he might have been inclined to hold her hand when he noticed that she was starting to get anxious, instead of waiting until she demanded it.
Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another.
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We live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exalting independence. We tend to accept this attitude as truth— to our detriment.
Society tells us that: "Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. Your well- being is not their responsibility, and theirs is not yours. Each person needs to look after himself or herself. In addition, you should learn not to allow your inner peace to be disturbed by the person you are closest to. If your partner acts in a way that undermines your sense of security, you should be able to distance yourself from the situation emotionally, “keep the focus on yourself,” and stay on an even keel. If you can’t do that, there might be something wrong with you. You might be too enmeshed with the other person, or “codependent,” and you must learn to set better “boundaries.” [Cole's Comment: On the following point I disagree - The person's individual perceptions and feelings are still pertaining to the person who experiences them and who feels them. The partner is however participating in creating an environment that fosters certain sensations and feelings and discourages others. If we feel unwanted emotions a lot we should ask ourselves, is the context around my relationship contributing to this since our partners do foster the environment both through their words and actions and the way they frame things into how we feel to a certain extent. Our partners do not make us feel anything but they make it more probable that we will feel xyz by fostering and creating an environment.]
The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between two self- sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. If you develop a strong dependency on your partner, you are deficient in some way and are advised to work on yourself to become more “differentiated” and develop a “greater sense of self.” The worst possible scenario is that you will end up needing your partner, which is equated with “addiction” to him or her, and addiction, we all know, is a dangerous prospect. While the teachings of the codependency movement remain immensely helpful in dealing with family members who suffer from substance abuse (as was the initial intention), they can be misleading and even damaging when applied indiscriminately to all relationships. Karen, whom we met earlier in the televised race, has been influenced by these schools of thought. But biology tells a very different story.
Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.
And when the hand that the women held was their husband’s? The dip was much more dramatic— their stress was barely detectable. Furthermore, the women who benefited most from spousal hand- holding were those who reported the highest marital satisfaction— but we’ll get back to this point later.
Once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit. If she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well- being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.
Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on— this is the “dependency paradox.” The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory. To illustrate this principle, let’s take another look at childhood, where attachment starts. While adult and childhood attachment styles are not one and the same, nothing better demonstrates the idea we’re conveying than what is known in the field as the strange situation test.
Sarah and her twelve- month- old daughter, Kimmy, enter a room full of toys. A friendly young research assistant is waiting in the room and exchanges a few words with them. Kimmy starts to explore this newfound toy heaven— she crawls around, picks up toys, throws them to the ground, and checks whether they rattle, roll, or light up, while glancing at her mom from time to time. Then Kimmy’s mother is instructed to leave the room; she gets up and quietly walks out. The minute Kimmy realizes what has happened she becomes distraught. She crawls over to the door as quickly as she can, sobbing. She calls out to her mother and bangs on the door. The research assistant tries to interest Kimmy in a box full of colorful building blocks, but this only makes Kimmy more agitated and she throws one of the blocks in the research assistant’s face. When her mother returns to the room after a short while, Kimmy rushes toward her on all fours and raises her arms to be held. The two embrace and Sarah calmly reassures her daughter. Kimmy hugs her mom tight and stops sobbing. Once she is at ease again, Kimmy’s interest in the toys reawakens and she resumes her play.
The experiment Sarah and Kimmy participated in is probably the most important study in the field of attachment theory— referred to as the strange situation test (the version described here is an abbreviated version of the test). Mary Ainsworth was fascinated by the way in which children’s exploratory drive— their ability to play and learn— could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure. She found that having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.
If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.
Recap around this from the book : - Attachment styles were first defined by researchers observing the way babies (usually 9 to 18 months old) behaved during the strange situation test (a reunion with a parent after a stressful separation, described here). Here’s a short description of how attachment styles are defined in children. Some of their responses can also be detected in adults who share the same attachment style. Anxious: This baby becomes extremely distressed when mommy leaves the room. When her mother returns, she reacts ambivalently— she is happy to see her but angry at the same time. She takes longer to calm down, and even when she does, it is only temporary. A few seconds later, she’ll angrily push mommy away, wriggle down, and burst into tears again. Secure: The secure baby is visibly distressed when mommy leaves the room. When mother returns, he is very happy and eager to greet her. Once in the safety of her presence, he is quick to be reassured, calm down, and resume play activity. Avoidant: When mommy leaves the room, this baby acts as though nothing has happened. Upon her return, she remains unmoved, ignores her mom, and continues to play indifferently. But this façade doesn’t tell the whole story. In fact, inside, baby is neither calm nor collected. Researchers have found that these babies’ heart rates are actually just as elevated as other babies who express immense distress, and their cortisol levels— a stress hormone— are high.
Just as Karen needed Tim’s hand for encouragement and Tim gathered strength from Karen’s reassurance, Kimmy wanted her mother’s presence. Karen engaged in protest behavior (not agreeing to continue until he held her hand), just as Kimmy had done when she called out for her absent mother. Both needed the reassurance of their attachment figures before they could focus on other tasks. Only once their secure base was restored could they go back to other activities.
When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well- being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.
It seems, then, that our partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. There is no way around that. Not only do they influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.
Establish an Attachment Designated Person - ADP to help you understand which attachment styles you and others are using -
The Three Attachment Styles in Everyday Life
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from “Does he or she like me?” to “Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?” Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?” Using this chapter as a guide, with time and practice you will develop and fine- tune your ability to determine someone’s attachment style early on. Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction.
People who are anxious often feel that there is something wrong with them; secures will have a more realistic view of things, and avoidants often sound like Paul— they attribute their single status to external circumstances, such as not having met the right girl. This is a good opportunity to look beyond what is said to what is not said: If you don’t get a clear understanding of why this person hasn’t met “the one” even though he’s dated a great number of women, you should try to read between the lines. There are also hints in the way Paul describes his relationship with Amanda— he was very excited about her, but after they got close, he started noticing little things about her that turned him off. Devaluing your partner when things become too close is very typical of people with an avoidant attachment style and is used as a way to create emotional distance.
Anxious
They found that people with an anxious attachment style were more likely to perceive the offset of emotion earlier than other people. People with an anxious attachment style are more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues, but tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state.
Dear Anxious person: if you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.
Activating Strategies: 
Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek Closeness with Your Partner:
Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
Remembering only their good qualities.
Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people— what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?” “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner— for someone else.” “He can change.” “All couples have problems— we’re not special in that regard.”
You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever- so- short bursts of joy with love. What you’re doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion. If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get attracted to individuals who are least likely to make you happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love. As we’ve seen, one of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s most important insights is that in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure base from which to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure. Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive— only to feel elated every once in a while— tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.
For Anxious partners the trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.
A good question to ask -- ?Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?
When you’re seeing several people— which has become very feasible in the Internet and Facebook age— it also becomes easier to make your needs and wishes clear; you’re not afraid that by doing so you’ll chase away a rare prospect; you don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings. This allows you to see whether someone is able to meet your needs before you reach the point of no return.
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These studies also tell us that avoidants such as Susan aren’t such free spirits after all; it is the defensive stance that they adopt that makes them seem that way. In Susan’s account, notice how she makes a point of putting down those who depend on their significant others. Other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.
Avoidant -
SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT
Sends mixed messages— about his/ her feelings toward you or about his/ her commitment to you.
Longs for an ideal relationship— but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you.
Desperately wants to meet “the one”— but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible.
Disregards your emotional well- being— and when confronted, continues to disregard it.
Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”— thus invalidating your feelings and making you second- guess yourself.
Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or her— doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead. Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”— responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account.
Your messages don’t get across— despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, he or she doesn’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.
Note that it is not specific behaviors that threaten to become smoking guns but rather an emotional stance— an ambiguity about the relationship that goes hand in hand with a strong message that your emotional needs are not so important to him or her. He or she may say the right things at times, but his/ her actions tell a different story.
All of these people have one thing in common: an avoidant attachment style. They feel a deep- rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship. Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique— for avoidant people such a stance is a major life challenge. If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else— the emotional equivalent of finding a home— is a condition that you find difficult to accept.
Some Common Deactivating Strategies 
Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”— but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
Pining after an ex- girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
Flirting with others— a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship. [Maybe we as Humans are not programmed for Monogamy and this one may not be relevant].
Not saying “I love you”— while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married. “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy— to maintain your feeling of independence.
Avoiding physical closeness— e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
Having an avoidant attachment style you are not strong at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover’s mental state. The problem is that, along with your self- reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the person closest to you is feeling. You figure that this is not your task; that they need to take care of their own emotional well- being. This lack of understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving enough emotional support. It also leads to less connectedness, warmth, and satisfaction in the relationship.
Avoidants are less accurate than anxious individuals at perceiving their partners’ thoughts and feelings during the experiment. It was common for avoidants to interpret their partner’s reaction as indifferent if they rated someone as highly attractive, when, in fact, their partner had been quite upset by it.
From someone who was busy looking out for his own needs and responding defensively to his partner’s requests and dissatisfactions, he managed to shift to a more secure mind- set. This is not an easy task if you have an avoidant attachment style, but it is possible if you allow yourself to open up enough to truly see your partner.
As you read this chapter, it becomes apparent that being avoidant isn’t really about living a self- sufficient life; it’s about a life of struggle involving the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system using the (also powerful) deactivating strategies we’ve outlined. Because of their power it’s easy to conclude that these behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs are impossible to uproot and change. But, strictly speaking, this is not the case. What is true is that people with an avoidant attachment style overwhelmingly assume that the reason they’re unable to find happiness in a relationship has little to do with themselves and a lot to do with external circumstances— meeting the wrong people, not finding “the one,” or only hooking up with prospects who want to tie them down. They rarely search inside themselves for the reason for their dissatisfaction, and even more rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests they do so. Unfortunately, until they look inward or seek counseling, change is not likely to occur.
COACHING SESSION: EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN START DOING TODAY TO STOP PUSHING LOVE AWAY
1. Learn to identify deactivating strategies.
2. Don’t act on your impulse. When you’re excited about someone but then suddenly have a gut feeling that s/ he is not right for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back?
3. Remind yourself that this picture is skewed and that you need intimacy despite your discomfort with it. If you thought s/ he was great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing him or her away.
4. De- emphasize self- reliance and focus on mutual support. When your partner feels s/ he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy. (See more on the “dependency paradox” in chapter 2).
5. Find a secure partner. As you will see in chapter 7, people with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well. Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate your avoidance— often in a perpetual vicious cycle. Given a chance, we recommend you choose the secure route. You’ll experience less defensiveness, less fighting, and less anguish.
6. Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. Change this pattern! Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, and look for a more plausible perspective.
7. Remind yourself that this is your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.
8. Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. This may not be an easy task, but with practice and perseverance, you’ll gradually get the hang of it. Take time every evening to think back on the events of the day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well- being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
9. Nix the phantom ex. When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex- partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she is not (and never was) a viable option. By remembering how critical you were of that relationship— and how leery you were of committing— you can stop using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on someone new.
10. Forget about “the one.” We don’t dispute the presence of soul mates in our world. On the contrary, we wholeheartedly believe in the soul mate experience. But it is our belief that you have to be an active party in the process. Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place. Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close (using the strategies we offer in this chapter) and making them a special part of you.
11. Adopt the distraction strategy. As an avoidant, it’s easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction (remember the experiment with a distraction task). Focusing on other things— taking a hike, going sailing, or preparing a meal together— will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings. Use this little trick to promote closeness in your time together.
Anxious - Avoidant Trap
TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE ANXIOUS- AVOIDANT TRAP
The roller- coaster effect. In the relationship you never sail along on an even keel. Instead, every once in a while, when the avoidant partner makes him/ herself available to the anxious partner, the latter’s attachment system is temporarily quieted and you achieve extreme closeness— leading to the feeling of a “high.” This closeness, however, is perceived as a threat by the avoidant partner and is quickly followed by withdrawal on his or her part— only to create renewed dissatisfaction for the anxious partner. The emotional counterbalancing act.
If you’re avoidant, you often inflate your self- esteem and sense of independence in comparison to someone else.
If you’re anxious, you are programmed to feel “less than” when your attachment system gets activated. Frequently avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as they do.
Stable instability. The relationship may last for a long time, but an element of uncertainty persists. As illustrated here, you may remain together but with a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, never finding the degree of intimacy that you are both comfortable with.
Are we really fighting about this? You may feel that you’re constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be fighting about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these minor problems but about something else altogether— the amount of intimacy between you. Life in the inner circle as the enemy. If you are anxious, you find that you’re getting treated worse instead of better once you become the person closest to the avoidant partner. You develop the eerie sense that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally connected to the other person to leave.
Secure
Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. Studies demonstrate that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships than people with other attachment styles.
Example of how a Secure personality can diffuse situations:
Overwhelmed by the amount of work she’d left unfinished before the weekend, Janet woke up Monday morning in a state of dread. She was convinced that there was no way she’d ever get through the enormous pile on her desk, and her situation made her feel incompetent. She turned to her husband, Stan, who was lying in bed besides her and— out of nowhere— told him how disappointed she was with his business’s progress and how worried she was that he wasn’t going to make it. Stan was taken aback, but responded to Janet’s attack without any visible trace of animosity. “I understand that you’re frightened and there might be some comfort for you if I feel frightened too, but if you’re trying to encourage me to be more efficient at work— which you often do— this isn’t the best way to do it.” Janet was dumbfounded. She knew he was right— that she’d been expressing only her own concerns. Seeing that she was tearful, Stan offered to drive her to work. In the car, she apologized. She hadn’t meant the stuff she’d said, but she was in such an emotional funk that everything seemed dreary to her. It was then that she realized what a wonderfully supportive husband Stan was. If he had attacked her out of the blue, she’d have struck back and World War III would have broken out. She wouldn’t have stayed collected enough to see what was really going on, to understand that it wasn’t about her but about him. Stan’s ability to handle the situation in the way he did required a real emotional gift. “I have to remember how good it feels to be on the receiving end of that and offer some in return someday,” she thought to herself.
People with a secure attachment style, like Stan, are characterized by something very real but not outwardly visible— they are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partners’ love. They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and respond to their partners’ needs.
Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style Partners:
Great conflict busters— During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
Mentally flexible— They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.
Effective communicators— They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
Not game players— They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games?
Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries— They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
Quick to forgive— They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one— They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both).
Treat their partners like royalty— When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
Secure in their power to improve the relationship— They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical. Responsible for their partners’ well- being— They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.
With a secure there’s a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively, empathically and coherently discuss their emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. We often fail to realize what a bonus these attributes are unless they’re missing. It’s no coincidence that the people most appreciative of a secure relationship are those who’ve had relationships with both secure and insecure partners. Though these people will tell you that secure and insecure relationships are worlds apart, without the knowledge of attachment theory, they too are unable to put their finger on what exactly that difference is.
On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style. [Cole - Again Here I feel things are very very different - Likely we change our attachment styles often and only sediment into one style with a particular partner - ]
Tapping Into the Secure Mind- set--
Creating a Secure Base for Your Partner  As you recall, one of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence. Brooke Feeney and Roxanne Thrush, of Carnegie Mellon University, in a study published in 2010, found that three specific behaviors underlie this broad term. You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors:
Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.
Don’t interfere: Provide behind- the- scenes support for their endeavors.
Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities.
Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals.
Boost their self- esteem.
“I’ve slept with eleven guys in my life and they’ve all wanted to have a serious relationship with me. I guess it’s something I convey. I know that I get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to know, not just in bed, that if they stick around, there’s a treasure to be revealed. “The guys I show interest in don’t play games— that is very important to me. They call immediately the next day, or at the very latest the next evening. In return, right from the start I show them that I’m interested. There were only two men in my life that waited two days to call, and I screened them both out immediately.”
Finding the Right Partner— the Secure Way 
The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure attachment style. They include:
Spotting “smoking guns” very early on and treating them as deal breakers.
Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy.
Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.
Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.
One of the things that Mary Ainsworth observed in the mother- infant relationship was that secure mothers were a special breed. It’s not that they tended more to their children, or held them more than mothers of anxious or avoidant children, but they seemed to possess a kind of “sixth sense” and intuitively knew when the child wanted to be held. They sensed their child’s emerging distress and acted on it before it turned into a full- blown fit. And if the child did get distressed, they just seemed to know how to soothe her.
Your Relationship with Your Pet as a Secure Role Model?  Suzanne Phillips, coauthor of the book Healing Together, describes our connection with our pets as a source of inspiration for our romantic relationships. In her writing, she points out that we tend to perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many misdemeanors: They wake us up at night, destroy our valuables, and demand our undivided attention, yet we tend to overlook these behaviors and feel positively toward them. In fact, our connection with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives. We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure resource within us— we don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office), and we stick by them no matter what.
Attachment Styles and Sex
People with an anxious attachment style prefer strong emotional involvement during sex and enjoy the intimate aspects of lovemaking like kissing and caressing, avoidants have very different preferences. They might choose to focus only on the sexual act itself, forgoing holding and cuddling, or to put rules into place like “no kissing” in order to make sex feel less intimate. Others might have sex only rarely— or never— with their partner, or fantasize about others while doing so. (Long- term couples may use fantasy to spice up their sex life, but they do so as a way to get closer. With avoidants, fantasy is not part of a mutual adventure but rather a deactivating strategy to keep them isolated.) In fact, in a study of married and cohabiting couples, Canadian scientists Audrey Brassard and Yvan Lussier, along with Phillip Shaver, found that avoidant men and women had sex less with their partners than did people with other attachment styles.
Attachment Styles and Break up
Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.
For humans, the situation is very similar. When we break up with someone, our attachment system goes into overdrive, and just like the rat pups, we can think of nothing but getting back together with our loved one. The fact that one person can take away all our discomfort in a split second makes it very hard to resist the temptation to see him or her again. Just being in the same room is enough to entirely relieve the anxiety in a way that no other single friend or family member can. For this simple reason, many individuals find it hard to follow through on their wish to break up, even after they’ve tried more than once to do it. It also explains why Marsha chose to maintain some contact with Craig, long after they separated. Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.
The process she as an Anxious person went through was the same one that avoidant people engage in all the time: In order to avoid becoming too close, they focus on their partner’s negative qualities and behaviors to keep their partner at bay.
Effective Communication
JUDGING THE RESPONSE
With effective communication, you might not be able to solve a problem or resolve your differences in one shot.
But you can judge immediately how important your well- being is to your partner:
Does s/ he try to get to the bottom of your concerns?
Does s/ he respond to the issue at hand or does s/ he try to dodge you?
Does s/ he take your concerns seriously or does s/ he try to belittle you or make you feel foolish for raising them?
Does s/ he try to find ways to make you feel better or is s/ he only busy acting defensive?
Is s/ he replying to your concerns only factually (as in a court of law) or is s/ he also in tune with your emotional well- being?
If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, you have a green light to go ahead with the relationship. If, however, your partner tries to evade important topics, acts defensively, or makes you feel foolish or needy, you should heed it as a serious warning sign.
If you are avoidant— the surefire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. Use effective communication to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to him or her. Suggest a few alternatives, making sure that the other person’s needs are taken care of. By doing so, you’re more likely to get the breathing space you need.
5 Principles of Effective Communication -
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave!
2. Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well- being into consideration as well. If they end up hurting him or her, you’re sure to get hurt too; after all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner’s shortcomings: “I need to feel confident in the relationship. When you chat up the waitress, I feel like I’m on thin ice.” “I feel devalued when you contradict me in front of your friends. I need to feel that you respect my opinions.” “I want to know I can trust you. When you go to bars with your friends, I worry a lot that you’ll cheat on me.”
3. Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower his or her chances of getting it right. State precisely what is bothering you: When you don’t stay the night . . . When you don’t check up on me every day . . . When you said you loved me and then took it back . . .
4. Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not about highlighting the other person’s shortcomings, and making accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a dueling match. Make sure to find a time when you’re calm to discuss things. You’ll find that attempting to use effective communication when you’re on the verge of exploding is a contradiction in terms— you’ll most likely sound angry or judgmental.
5. Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid— period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important.
COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY 101 Getting Started When you are not used to effective communication, it can be extremely helpful to formulate a script of the message you want to convey. It’s best not to attempt this when you are upset, and it’s also important to ignore the advice of friends who suggest indirect methods of trying to get your needs met, such as making your partner jealous. If possible, ask your attachment-designated person—ADP —or friend who has a secure attachment style or who is familiar with the principles of effective communication to help you compose the right words. When you are sure of the content, recite it to yourself until you feel comfortable with the way it sounds. Having everything written down can help you get over fears about getting cold feet or forgetting your “lines,” and make it easier for you to address your partner with confidence. Once you get the hang of it and experience the positive effect it has on your life, using effective communication will become second nature. Exercise: Answer the Following Questions to Determine the Topic of Your Script Why do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way? (The relationship inventory in chapter 9 can help you with the process.) What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure and loved? Which of the above actions do I feel most comfortable bringing up and discussing? Use your response to this last question to guide you toward the topic of your first effective communication. Now create a short script that focuses on that issue, while adhering to the five principles of effective communication. My Script: Review the examples that follow. Notice how ineffective communication can be interpreted in different ways while effective communication has only one specific meaning. That’s why your partner’s response to effective communication is much more telling than his or her response to ineffective communication or protest behavior.
Situation S Ineffective communication (Protest behavior) -I Effective communication - E
S-He’s very busy at work and you hardly get to see him.
I-Call him every couple of hours to make sure you’re on his mind.
E- Tell him you miss him and are having a hard time adjusting to his new work schedule, even though you understand that it’s temporary.
S- She doesn’t really listen to you when you’re talking, which makes you feel unimportant and misunderstood.
I- Get up in the middle of the conversation and go to another room (hoping she’ll follow you and apologize).
E - Make it clear that it’s not enough that she listens without responding. Emphasize that you value her opinion above anyone’s and it’s important to you to know what she thinks.
S- He talks about his ex-girlfriend, which makes you feel insecure.
I- Tell him it’s pathetic that he’s still talking about his ex. or Bring up other guys you went out with to let him know how bad it feels.
E - Let him know that conversations about his ex-girlfriend make you feel inadequate and unsure of where you stand, that you need to feel secure in order to be happy with someone.
S- He always calls at the last minute to make plans.
I- Tell him you’re busy whenever he does that so that eventually he’ll learn to call well in advance.
E- Explain that you feel unsettled not knowing when and if you’ll see him and that it’s better for you to at least have a ballpark schedule of when you’ll get together ahead of time.
S- She screens your calls a lot and gets back to you in her own good time.
I- Grin and bear it.
E- Convey how important it is to you to return her calls promptly and how good it would feel if she was to do the same.
S- He hasn’t called for a few days.
I -You’re worried that he wants to end the relationship. When he finally calls, tell him you’re busy. That’ll show him.
E - Inform him that it is hurtful when he disappears and that one of the things that you need most in a relationship is for your boyfriend to make you a priority whenever possible.
It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.
If you’ve ever found yourself caught off guard during a disagreement by the other person’s genuine interest in your concerns and willingness to consider them, you were probably disagreeing with someone secure.
Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
1.Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3.Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4.Be willing to engage.
5.Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
A single fight is not a relationship breaker. Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you, say so. Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is most likely not because of you. Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs. Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know! Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means. When in doubt, ask. A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity. Though you may have to talk yourself into believing the “positive truths” above (even if only halfheartedly at first), it is well worth the effort. In most cases, they will steer the dialogue in the right direction. In sum, these are the habits you should keep away from during fights:
Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
1.Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs.
2. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
3. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity.
4. Withdrawing.
5. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.
For us, the most important take-home message from this book is that relationships should not be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. In fact, one study found that 73 percent of over three hundred university student participants were willing to sacrifice the majority of their goals in life for a romantic relationship. But despite the importance we assign to our most intimate bonds, most of us still know very little about the science behind romantic relationships and allow ourselves all too often to be guided by misconceptions and myths.
The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. We’ve been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, he or she will be transformed into a different person (this part is not!). Regardless of what they were like before, when people find “the one,” they supposedly become adoring, faithful, supportive partners—free of qualms about the relationship. It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction. The second common misconception we fell victim to is that marriage is the be-all and end-all. Romantic stories tend to end there, and we are all tempted to believe that when someone gets married, it’s unequivocal proof of the power of love to transform; that the decision to marry means they’re now ready for true closeness and emotional partnership. We don’t like to admit that people might enter marriage without having these goals in mind, let alone the ability to achieve them. We want to believe, as we had hoped for in the movie, that once married, anyone can change and treat his/her spouse like royalty (especially if two people are deeply in love with each other). In this book, however, we’ve shown how mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage, even for people who love each other greatly.
The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility. When potential partners “Mirandize” us and “read us our rights” (see chapter 11) early in a relationship by telling us that they aren’t ready to commit, thereby renouncing responsibility for our well-being, or when they make unilateral decisions in a long-standing relationship without taking our needs into account, we’re quick to accept these terms. This logic has become very natural to people, and our friends might say, “They told you in advance they didn’t want to commit,” or “They always said how strongly they feel about this issue, so you have no one but yourself to blame.” But when we’re in love and want to continue a relationship, we tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting. Instead of recognizing that someone who blatantly disregards our emotions is not going to be a good partner, we accept this attitude. Again, we must constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.
What we learned from watching the film is just how hard it is to let go of concepts we’ve believed in our entire lives—no matter how unhelpful they’ve been. But jettisoning these ideas is a necessary step; holding on to them can be highly destructive. They encourage us to compromise our self-esteem and happiness by ignoring our most basic needs and trying to be someone we’re not. We believe that every person deserves to experience the benefits of a secure bond. When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. He or she is there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them. Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call! And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.
For Cole Personal Questionaire about Relationship style:
Initial Test in Dec 2019 - Avoidant - Didn't keep track of score
Repeat Test in November 2020 - Secure - Anxiety 2.33 Avoidance 2.44
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Determining your Partner's Attachment Style
Page 51 on Kindle (location 657)
Up to Three points for each question:
+1 Very untrue of him/her
+2 Moderately True of him/her
+3 Very true of him/her
A - Avoidant
B- Secure
C- Anxious
Relationship Inventory -
Taking the inventory is a task that should be done alone. Make sure to set aside enough quiet time to work on it thoroughly, so you really get a complete and accurate picture of yourself from an attachment perspective. Start by listing, in the left-hand column (1), the names of all your romantic partners, past and present. These can include people you’ve dated briefly. We suggest working vertically, one column at a time. Completing the inventory vertically encourages you to focus less on each particular scenario and to achieve an integrated picture of your working model across relationships. The more information you gather, the better. In column 2, write what you remember about the relationship: what it was like and what things stand out most when you try to recall your time together. Once you write down your general recollections of the relationship, column 3 allows you to take a closer look and identify specific scenarios that contribute to activation/deactivation of your attachment system. Column 4 asks how you responded to these situations: What did you do? What were you thinking? How did you feel? The lists below the inventory are provided to help you recall these reactions. Column 5 is a crucial next step. You will need to reassess these experiences from an attachment perspective to gain insight into the issues that affected your relationships. What attachment issues underlie your reactions: Protest behavior? Deactivation? Refer to the lists as a guide. In column 6, you’re asked to consider ways in which your reaction—now translated into attachment principles—hurts you and gets in the way of your happiness. Finally, column 7 prompts you to consider new, secure ways of handling these situations using a security-enhancing role model in your life and the secure principles we outline in this book (and in the box here).
RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY
Common Anxious Thoughts, Emotions, and Reactions
Thoughts:
Mind reading: That’s it, I know s/he’s leaving me.
I’ll never find anyone else.
I knew this was too good to last.
All-or-nothing thinking: I’ve ruined everything, there’s nothing I can do to mend the situation.
S/he can’t treat me this way! I’ll show him/her!
I knew something would go wrong; nothing ever works out right for me.
I have to talk to or see him/her right now.
S/he’d better come crawling back to beg my forgiveness, otherwise s/he can forget about me forever.
Maybe if I look drop-dead gorgeous or act seductive, things will work out.
S/he is so amazing, why would s/he want to be with me anyway?
Remembering all the good things your partner ever did and said after calming down from a fight.
Recalling only the bad things your partner has ever done when you’re fighting.
Emotions
Sad • Resentful • Angry • Frustrated • Fearful • Depressed • Hopeless • Humiliated • Despairing • Hate-filled • Jealous • Uncertain • Hostile • Agitated • Vengeful • Rejected • Guilty • Unloved • Self-loathing • Lonely • Restless • Misunderstood • Uneasy • Unappreciated
Actions
Act out.
Attempt to reestablish contact at any cost.
Pick a fight.
Wait for them to make the first reconciliation move.
Threaten to leave.
Act hostile—roll your eyes, look disdainful.
Try to make him/her feel jealous.
Act busy or unapproachable.
Withdraw—stop talking to your partner or turn away from him/her physically.
Act manipulatively.
Common Avoidant Thoughts, Emotions, and Reactions
Thoughts All-or-nothing thinking:
I knew s/he wasn’t right for me, this proves it!
Overgeneralizing: I knew I wasn’t made to be in a close relationship.
S/he’s taking over my life, I can’t take it!
Now I have to do everything his/her way; the price is too high.
I need to get out of here, I feel suffocated.
If s/he was “the one” this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.
When I was with (phantom X) this wouldn’t have happened.
Malicious intent: S/he’s really out to annoy me, it’s so obvious. . . .
S/he just wants to tie me down, this isn’t true love.
Fantasize about having sex with other people.
I’ll be better off on my own.
Ugh, s/he’s so needy! It’s pathetic.
Emotions • Withdrawn • Misunderstood • Frustrated • Resentful • Angry • Hostile • Pressured • Aloof • Unappreciated • Empty • Deceived • Despairing • Tense • Scornful • Hate-filled • Restless • Self-righteous • Distrustful • Contemptuous
Actions
Act out.
Get up and leave.
Belittle your partner.
Act hostile, look disdainful.
Make critical remarks.
Withdraw mentally or physically.
Minimize physical contact.
Keep emotional sharing to a minimum.
Stop listening to your partner. Ignore him/her.
Possible Attachment Principles at Play
Anxious
Protest behavior
Activating strategies—any thought, feeling, or behavior that will result in an increased desire to reconnect
Putting your partner on a pedestal
Feeling small and inferior in comparison to your partner
Seeing/remembering only the best in your partner after a fight (while forgetting his/her negative side)
Mistaking an activated attachment system for love
Living in the danger zone (see chart here)
Living on an emotional roller coaster—getting addicted to the highs and the lows
Avoidant Deactivating strategies
Mistaking self-reliance for independence
Inflating your own importance and self-esteem while putting your partner down
Seeing only the negative in your partner and ignoring the positive
Assuming malicious intent in your partner’s actions
Disregarding your partner’s emotional cues
Yearning for the phantom ex
Fantasizing about “the one”
Repressing loving feelings and emotions
Examples of Secure Principles
Be available.
Don’t interfere.
Act encouragingly.
Communicate effectively.
Don’t play games.
View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being.
Wear your heart on your sleeve—be courageous and honest in your interactions.
Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
Don’t make generalizations during conflict.
Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.
Relationship Inventory -
1. Name of Partner
2. What is/was the relationship like
3. Situation that triggered activation or deactivation of attachment system
4. My reaction (thoughts, feelings, actions)
5. Insecure attachment working models and principles
6. How I lose out by succumbing to these working models/principles
7. Identify a secure role model who is relevant to this situation and secure principles to adopt. How is s/he relevant ?
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1x7ZGmwu9NK7xQLQQRQ_zgMNRMDERZ5YmubR7p34y6Aw/edit?usp=sharing
To do -
Add Picture Diagrams
Do the Relationship inventory
Add Useful ideas at the beginning -