Snowballs and Responsibility
Let me tell you a story.
Walking out of the Hospital one day, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. In the street next to me a black fancy SUV zoomed past. As it was driving by external time was passing normally but internally my time had slowed down. I'm not religious at all, but the easiest way to explain the experience I had is to call it a vision. I had a vision of my future life. I had a vision of where my life was going.
What I saw scared me and changed the course of my life in a profound way. At that point I made a decision that changed my life.
What did I see ? I saw myself with everything I was *supposed* to have and for me it was a nightmare.
A nice modern house and two modern cars in the garage. Two good looking children and a beautiful blond wife. I had everything I was supposed to, everything my parents told me would make me happy, I had everything society told me would make me happy.The Rolex, the suits, the trophy wife and a great job as a Doctor where I was well respected in my field. Not the best doctor in the world but a decent and hardworking physician. The overpowering feeling that I was left with though was one of frustration, loneliness and unhappiness. All of these things didn't make me happy and I felt trapped by the responsibility all these people and things were putting on me. Or to put it in a different light these responsibilities that I was permitting them to put on me.
The other image I still remember vividly from my vision was being in my ritual after-work shower and jerking off vigorously. In the hot steamy shower, I would cry when I came because I felt so trapped in the life I was living. My wife didn't care, we had stopped having sex long ago and every time I advanced sexually she backed away "I don't feel like that today". I suspected she was running around on me with someone, but I had never been great with women and where in the heck was I going to find another woman, let alone a beautiful one that would love me and put up with me. I felt there was no escape. I dreamed of escaping someday, of somehow getting away from it all and taking a flight to Brazil, fucking random women and forgetting away my old life, but at the same time I also had that inner voice telling me, that's not you, that will never be you. You're not the type to Jump.
Fast forward two years and I literally jumped out of a building from the 2 floor for bad reasons. Ended up breaking my feet. Note to self, don't jump out of perfectly stable buildings.
I see responsibility as an avalanche. It starts out as a little snowball rolling down the hill, but as it keeps rolling the snowball grows bigger and bigger and one day you wake up realize that you're rolling down the hill with an avalanche of responsibility that you never wanted. Stopping a little snowball is easy, stopping an avalanche is much harder. Same thing for us, when we don't have large responsibilities on us it isn't difficult for us to change directions. We can move somewhere else easily, just pack up, go change our scenery, our jobs, our attitudes and our lives. When you're into the avalanche of responsibility changing is really hard. Other people depend on you and the mental pressure you put on yourself just to keep all this up is tremendous.
When you're young, life is at your feet, the world is full of opportunities and you feel great just to be alive; but step by step one thing after the other you start making choices you don't really want to make but are supposed to because everyone says that it is the sensible thing to do. However, before you know it you wake up and you're 45-55 or 65 with a couple of kids, a wife, a home and two cars and you ask yourself where the Fuck did my life go? Wasn't this whole life thing supposed to be about me learning about myself and growing. I don't feel like I'm growing, I don't feel a zest for life, heck most days I'm just happy if I can motivate myself to get my ass out of bed and that only happens because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't do it.
At first you have small responsibilities, a monthly cell phone bill, a car payment and at some point you graduate to the big leagues, House payments and Car Payments.
Your parents tell you that you have to go to school. You go to school.
Your parents tell you that you have to get an Education. You get an education.
Your parents tell you that you have to get a Job. You get a Job.
Your parents tell you that you should find a nice girl to settle down with. You find a nice girl and settle down.
When comes the part where I get to decide what I want and then do it? When can I finally let go and have fun? When is it MY turn?
Right after seeing my vision I made a decision that what I saw would never be my life. I would do whatever it took to choose and take charge of my own path and direct myself towards things that I was enthusiastic about. I ended up stepping out of a Medical Specialization I was lined up for and just spent the last year traveling and then being Shipwreaked in the Atlantic. In the mornings when I wake up, I'm happy to try out different projects and live in a way that I find exciting. Although I haven't acchieved most of what I "should do", I've done a lot of fun things along the way that I wanted to do.
Walking out of the Hospital one day, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. In the street next to me a black fancy SUV zoomed past. As it was driving by external time was passing normally but internally my time had slowed down. I'm not religious at all, but the easiest way to explain the experience I had is to call it a vision. I had a vision of my future life. I had a vision of where my life was going.
What I saw scared me and changed the course of my life in a profound way. At that point I made a decision that changed my life.
What did I see ? I saw myself with everything I was *supposed* to have and for me it was a nightmare.
A nice modern house and two modern cars in the garage. Two good looking children and a beautiful blond wife. I had everything I was supposed to, everything my parents told me would make me happy, I had everything society told me would make me happy.The Rolex, the suits, the trophy wife and a great job as a Doctor where I was well respected in my field. Not the best doctor in the world but a decent and hardworking physician. The overpowering feeling that I was left with though was one of frustration, loneliness and unhappiness. All of these things didn't make me happy and I felt trapped by the responsibility all these people and things were putting on me. Or to put it in a different light these responsibilities that I was permitting them to put on me.
The other image I still remember vividly from my vision was being in my ritual after-work shower and jerking off vigorously. In the hot steamy shower, I would cry when I came because I felt so trapped in the life I was living. My wife didn't care, we had stopped having sex long ago and every time I advanced sexually she backed away "I don't feel like that today". I suspected she was running around on me with someone, but I had never been great with women and where in the heck was I going to find another woman, let alone a beautiful one that would love me and put up with me. I felt there was no escape. I dreamed of escaping someday, of somehow getting away from it all and taking a flight to Brazil, fucking random women and forgetting away my old life, but at the same time I also had that inner voice telling me, that's not you, that will never be you. You're not the type to Jump.
Fast forward two years and I literally jumped out of a building from the 2 floor for bad reasons. Ended up breaking my feet. Note to self, don't jump out of perfectly stable buildings.
I see responsibility as an avalanche. It starts out as a little snowball rolling down the hill, but as it keeps rolling the snowball grows bigger and bigger and one day you wake up realize that you're rolling down the hill with an avalanche of responsibility that you never wanted. Stopping a little snowball is easy, stopping an avalanche is much harder. Same thing for us, when we don't have large responsibilities on us it isn't difficult for us to change directions. We can move somewhere else easily, just pack up, go change our scenery, our jobs, our attitudes and our lives. When you're into the avalanche of responsibility changing is really hard. Other people depend on you and the mental pressure you put on yourself just to keep all this up is tremendous.
When you're young, life is at your feet, the world is full of opportunities and you feel great just to be alive; but step by step one thing after the other you start making choices you don't really want to make but are supposed to because everyone says that it is the sensible thing to do. However, before you know it you wake up and you're 45-55 or 65 with a couple of kids, a wife, a home and two cars and you ask yourself where the Fuck did my life go? Wasn't this whole life thing supposed to be about me learning about myself and growing. I don't feel like I'm growing, I don't feel a zest for life, heck most days I'm just happy if I can motivate myself to get my ass out of bed and that only happens because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't do it.
At first you have small responsibilities, a monthly cell phone bill, a car payment and at some point you graduate to the big leagues, House payments and Car Payments.
Your parents tell you that you have to go to school. You go to school.
Your parents tell you that you have to get an Education. You get an education.
Your parents tell you that you have to get a Job. You get a Job.
Your parents tell you that you should find a nice girl to settle down with. You find a nice girl and settle down.
When comes the part where I get to decide what I want and then do it? When can I finally let go and have fun? When is it MY turn?
Right after seeing my vision I made a decision that what I saw would never be my life. I would do whatever it took to choose and take charge of my own path and direct myself towards things that I was enthusiastic about. I ended up stepping out of a Medical Specialization I was lined up for and just spent the last year traveling and then being Shipwreaked in the Atlantic. In the mornings when I wake up, I'm happy to try out different projects and live in a way that I find exciting. Although I haven't acchieved most of what I "should do", I've done a lot of fun things along the way that I wanted to do.